Wednesday, November 14, 2007
posted by Q6 at 9:05 PM
As the guy in charge of PR around this campus, the stuff coming from our student leaders embarasses me. As a former English teacher, it sickens me. As a guy who blogs about the dumb stuff at work, however, I'm delighted.

Each campus has it's own version of keeping the campus clean. Some play "Adopt-A-Hallway" with the campus clubs. Others hold contests. Us? We've decided to torture animals.

That's right, it's "Starve the Seagulls" week at my school. What better way to spread a sense of community pride and cleanliness by motivating the students to create a climate filled with emaciated waterfowl. What's worse, there are signs posted all over campus reminding the students to be cruel to the birds. I didn't get pictures, but I've dramatized some examples.

The Associated Student Body wants me to believe that the seagulls that plague the quad at lunchtime were sent by MegaTron?!? Oh, I'm sorry. He's a Decepticon. Deceptigons are . . . what? Deceptive polygons? YES! That must be it. They are shapes that are so tricky that you can't even tell how many sides they actually have (much like a seagull after four cheeseburgers and half a chocolate chip cookie).

Isn't it bad enough that our student leaders can't spell? Do they have to convert measures of volume into verbs as well? While you're at it, don't meter anyone, don't gram anything, and for God's sake avoid doing anything in centigrade. (Notice I've avoided commentary on the violent directive here. Fortunately, I haven't caught anyone actually beating the seagulls to death--more of them just fly in for the funerals, anyway.)

Ok, what the hell is this? Yes, the spelling error bothers me, but the message of this poster bothers me more. What are we, at war? The damn birds wouldn't show up in the first place if the kids would quit throwing five-course meals onto the pavement.* The whole "Starve the Seagulls" thing was kind of catchy and kind of clever . . . until we felt the need to invent a motive OTHER than keeping the campus clean.

Learn to spell, children. And keep the campus clean because you want it that way, not because the wildlife army sent by an evil Transformer is trying to kill you.

*Although the "murderer" tag may not be too far off--you ever seen what seagulls do if you cut off their regular food supply? They fight for it. I saw one gull make two attempts to remove food directly from students. Be afraid, my friends.